


Every day is like winter

by Fraymotiff



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: AU, Angst, Depression, F/F, F/M, Kaito survives AU, M/M, MOMO DONT READ, Other, Self Harm, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide, its just sadness all around
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:07:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25095829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fraymotiff/pseuds/Fraymotiff
Summary: Kaito struggles after surviving the killing game.
Relationships: Chabashira Tenko/Yumeno Himiko, Harukawa Maki/Momota Kaito, Harukawa Maki/Yumeno Himiko, Momota Kaito/Oma Kokichi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 59





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This was really nice to explore how i think hed feel in case he had survived, i might write more to this but warning, it wont get any better.  
> /////  
> Update, I did, in fact write more.
> 
> I feel like i should have explained this before but i just realized that i didn't when my friend asked me about it. In this au, in ch5 they vote for ouma really early, pushed by monokuma. Kaito shows up and proofs that the mastermind is wrong. Tsumugi gets desperate and ch 5 trial extends into the ch6 one, sort if  
> She tries to make them feel despair and unwilling to live by telling them they're fictional and all that jazz. However, they do not know about the ch1 hoax. They convince the viewers to stop watching just like in ch6, Kiibo dies and tsumugi gets executed. They escape, etc just like ch6 but Kaito is alive.

[ ](https://ibb.co/rdmKjNv)

The mornings were so cold. It was winter, of course they would be. But something felt colder than winter, his soul felt like it was freezing. His brain, no longer able to receive warmth. That was a stupid train of thought, he wonders. He lights up a cigarette to try to deceive himself from what happened. What was the point. He had isolated himself from everyone, he could not keep his mind at a high place, he couldn’t keep his facade, he could not be a hero. He ended the killing game but his identities were not even real. He was alone, he could not be close to anyone again, not after what he did.  
Kaito dragged in the cigarette smoke and breath out through his nose.  
it started to snow.  
He walked along the path on his way home, closing his coat.  
The snow might put his cigarette out, be he did not care.  
For a moment he just wanted to stand in there, let the snowflakes land on him and maybe just freeze to death there.  
He sat on a bench.  
He felt the cold wind in his hands. He was trembling.  
Not sure if it was the cold or the rage he had pent up against his own self.  
“Isn’t it nice how they found a cure?” his sidekicks voice echoed through his head. How happy Maki and Shuichi were that he had survived along them when the killing game was exposed as a fake and unjust.  
He thought about them.  
He thought about his friends. Alive and dead.  
He thought…  
About that.  
That night. His kiss, his skin, their conversation. The sound of bones being crushed. The blood everywhere.  
Kaito felt dizzy, breathless, as if walls were closing on him.  
He tugged his chest. He felt his fingers touch his freezing palm.  
It all felt unreal. He Breath in.  
The cold air filling him up.  
He was holding the cigarette on his mouth that was not even lit anymore. He just had it pressed in his lips.  
Pointless.  
He got up, started to walk fast.  
He wanted to run away.  
He felt trapped, alone.  
He got home.  
Alone.  
He could not say anything to his friends. They had their own concerns and traumas. His sidekicks would just not understand, and it was ok. He was just sad he could not be there anymore for them.  
He checked his phone, that he constantly left on vibrate. No missed calls.  
Sometimes he wondered if he should reach out. No. He shouldn't.  
Sometimes he wondered if...he should just end it all. Just like they ended the killing games.  
He wanted to feel at peace. He felt overwhelmed for a while now. He thought once they got out of there everything would be better, but he just felt worse, and worse, and worse, and worse.  
Every night he would think about what happened. About… about death. What did death mean. In about everyone who died, about… him.  
He missed him. How they chased after each other, even if that was the worst situation they could be in. An he hated how he put an end on his life, even if it was his idea.  
He remembered about the floor covered in blood,about the sound of metal pressing against a body about-  
He got nauseous. That happened everyday. Death surrounded him. The idea of dying, the idea of killing.  
He went to his bedroom, which he tried his best to keep tidy.  
He sat on his bed.  
Wondering, could they hear him?  
“I’m…” he hesitated. “ I’m sorry, i know you wanted this, but, I’m sorry.”  
He stared at the wall, feeling a bit silly.  
He sighed and decided to sleep the feeling off, maybe tomorrow would be better.


	2. Are you Really There?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaito has strange dreams, and also finds someone he can count.

“Kaito? Are you there?”

Kaito woke up from the dream. A recognizable voice called him in his slumber.  
He looked around. Was the voice real? He couldn’t tell. He was glad he hadn’t dreamed about that night...again…  
Happy that the had a breather, wait, happy is not the word he would use to describe it, i think that would be called relief.  
He got out of bed, prepared breakfast all to himself. Still with his cover on his back, he shivered from the cold and turned on the heater.  
He turned on the tv. The news did not really interest him, but it was nice to watch something.  
He sighed, looked at his phone. Browsed to his contacts.  
He stared at the one that said “Maki Roll”.  
How was she, he wondered. He took a deep breath and sent her a message.  
9:07AM Me: Hi Maki Roll! Just wanted to know how you are, winter is sure getting cold isn’t it?

He wasn’t sure why he was doing that to himself.  
The phone vibrated.  
1 new message from Maki Roll.

9:08AM Maki Roll: Hi Kaito,i am fine, how have you been?

Kaito stared at the lit up screen. He put his finger over the touch keyboard.

“I am” he wrote, then paused.  
9:10 Me: I am great, It is so nice to see snow again after all these months! :)  
He hit send and leaned back on his chair, sighing.  
9:11 Me: How is Shuichi?  
9:12 Maki Roll: He is asleep. 

That conversation was going nowhere, he thought. He missed Shuichi, but sometimes he wondered if he missed him. What, no... What a stupid thought, of course he did! He was his sidekick! He just has probably been feeling awful after all these things happened, Shuichi was a depressed guy, and sometimes he did not express his emotions right, and that was ok! He still loved shuichi, he probably needed some more time… time… It’s been months… But! Everyone has their own pace, right? He probably was dealing with his grief, i mean he lost Kaede, and… and… Dammit Kaito you are thinking about him again.  
Sometimes, Kaito wish he could just forget, use that technology they use at Killing Games to just wipe it all out, become someone else, someone that would hurt way less. But then, at the same time he, he just wished he could fix everything, like he always did. He was a hero! Yet… he couldn’t bring people to life, he could not fix his friends problems, he couldn't fix his problems… Sometimes he wondered if the reason his friends did not reach out to him as much anymore was because he failed them. Maybe they hated him now or something. Even Maki. After the killing game ended, they were really close, they even dated for a while, but Kaito realized that his feelings weren't the same Maki had towards him, so they just didn’t work out. Maybe Maki held a grudge over that, maybe he had shattered her heart, maybe it was his fault and now she hated him, maybe Shuichi was mad at him because of Maki. Maybe both of them hated him and just put up with the messages he sent for them every once in a while.  
He really was a fuck up.  
He ran his hands through his face.  
Sometimes he thought, that maybe if he hadn’t been so honest about how he felt he could have been living some sort of perfect love life with Maki. But for some reason, that time, he was honest to himself. Maybe that was a mistake.  
He was tired, even though he has just gotten up.  
The tv news did not make any sense, he decided to just go back to bed.  
He laid on it, covering his head.  
He felt like shit, he just… started to cry.  
He felt shame in his tears even if he was all alone.  
He cried, he sobbed. He fell asleep.

“How are you doing?” The familiar voice echoed in the dream  
Kaito did not think, he just answered.  
“I’m fine.”  
“Be honest with yourself, don’t be like me.”  
Kaito paused.  
He suddenly felt like he was awake, so he just accepted that he was.  
They were in almost pitch dark, he could see a figure sitting. It’s as if they were sitting on the limit of an abysm.  
“I feel terrible”  
“I know, i do too, i hate seeing you like this”  
Kaito sighed, he sat were he was, wishing there was more light in that space.  
“What should i do.”

He woke up.  
He was still under the covers, so it was all dark just like in the dream.  
What the hell was that. That voice, was it…?  
He raise the covers and rubbed his eyes.  
It was noon.  
He felt troubled.  
He had been weird dreams like that for a while now, usually it was just his voice calling on him, but now…?  
He felt the urge to tell that to someone.  
He got his phone from the side of the bed and scrolled through the contacts.  
Shuichi, no… Maki Roll? no… Himiko…?  
They hadn’t talked in ages, but, maybe…

He sent a message.  
12:03 Me: Are you up? I know you sleep a lot so maybe not but i wanted to talk about something  
12:04 Himiko sparkle emoji: Hiii Kaito, what is it? ‘3’

Oh, she answered quickly.  
Kaito took a deep breath.

12:05 Me: So, you still believe in paranormal stuff right? like, magic or, i don’t know.  
12:06 Himiko sparkle emoji: Yessss  
12:06 Me: So, like, let’s say, i have been having really strange dreams lately, about someone who is no longer with us.  
12:06 Himiko sparkle emoji: you mean DEAD? Like ?? One of our deceased friends??  
12:07 Me: Yeah, like that. Well let’s say, i used to just hear their voice but this time we had a full conversation. It felt like, it was so real? Like i don’t know, i don't think there is a way of that being real but, do you get what i mean?  
12:08: Himiko sparkle emoji: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm  
12:08 Himiko sparkle emoji: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

12:09 Me: What is it??????  
12:09 Himiko sparkle emoji: IM THINKING!!  
12:09 Me: Oh i see…  
12:09 Himiko sparkle emoji: Maybeeeee, they want to tell you something, i've seen people say ghosts that stay connected to our plane usually have unfinished business, or are just tormented.

12:09 Me: TORMENTED?

12:10 Himiko sparkle emoji: Nyeh? Well they could also just have something they want to say, and are saying that through dream because maybe you can’t just see them.  
12:11 Himiko sparkle emoji: BRB gotta feed my cats.

Kaito stared at the screen. That conversation was weird and giving him shivers, he did not like ghosts, or stuff like that. Why did he even start in the first place, he could have just ignored the dream, it was a dream after all! No way that was even real… But, part of him just wanted it to be real, even if it scared the shit out of him.

12:15 Himiko sparkle emoji: Done!! Ok so, i’m going out to have some coffee at 1PM in that shop close to your house, you in? Maybe we could talk more about your weird dreams there!

Kaito stared at the screen, he wanted to say no, he wanted to just say fuck it and never leave his house again, but that would be rude, Himiko was always so nice to him so he just accepted the invitation and texted before he gave up.

12:17 Me: Yep, Ill be there! 

12:17 Himiko sparkle emoji: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay party emoji

Kaito locked his phone and sighed to himself.

Kaito arrived at the Shop, looking through the window he could see Himiko and, oh, she invited Maki and Shuichi.  
He breath in hard, placed this hand in the door handle and got in the shop.

“Kaito!” Himiko exclaimed, raising her hand.  
“Oh, hi, hi Shuichi, Maki…”  
Kaito looks disconcerted, so Himiko rapidly added up.  
“Oh, yeah invited them too, i talked to them and they told me they also didn't see you in a while!

Kaito pulled his phone and quickly typed a message to Himiko.  
13:05 Me: DONT MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT THE DREAMS PLEASE

Himiko pulled out her phone, looked at the preview message and winked at Kaito.  
Kaito sighed in relief, as he sat on the chair.  
“So, winter, huh…”  
“You seem very excited about snow.” Maki responded.  
“Oh yeah, snow..”  
“I remember when you were all excited about snow in the-” Himiko cut herself.  
Talking about the killing game had become sort of taboo around Shuichi, he just decided to deny it all and live a new life, but sometimes they sliped up.  
“It’s alright Himiko, you can say it. I remember that too, Kaito you were running around wanting to show snow to Maki in the neo world program, it was really funny.  
Kaito let out a forced laugh  
“Oh, yeah that! I remember it too…”  
“What’s wrong?” Himiko asked, concerned.  
“He seemed fine earlier when we were talking, he's probably just cold.” Maki interrupted.  
Himiko pressed her lips into a line, and looked at Kaito, waiting on a response.  
“Oh! Yeah! I'm just cold, i should have put more clothes but oh you know how i am!”  
Shuichi let out a soft spoken laugh.  
“ Oh Kaito you’re always so silly, but really, you might get a cold.  
“N-no way! I’m a Luminary! We don’t get colds!”  
Maki and shuichi smiled and laughed along with Kaito. Himiko didn’t, she just stared at Kaito with concern. 

They ended up spending the whole afternoon there, it was awkward, Kaito thought, but it was ok. Shuichi and Maki seemed to have fun and he was so glad they were ok! As they parted ways, Shuichi and Maki lived together so Kaito was left with Himiko, who liver closer to him.

“Hey…” Himiko said, coming closer to Kaito.  
“Oh, hey.” Kaito responded as they walked to the street of their apartments.  
“I don't know what is going on with you and them but, sorry i invited them.  
“Huh? No way nothing is up! I love my friends!  
Himiko, stopped for a second, silent, but nodded.  
“Hey, if you need anything, i’m here for you, ‘kay?  
Kaito stopped for a bit before entering the building, then nodded and answered.  
“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It got a little bit better but brace yourself, this is the peak of the rollescoaster mountain.


	3. I don’t think it’ll ever stop hurting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HUGE TRIGGER WARINING FOR SUICIDE ATTEMPT!!!

Kaito got home.  
The words Himiko told him echoing through his head.  
“Hey, if you need anything, i’m here for you, ‘kay?”

He sighed. He didn’t want to push her away too.  
He turned on the heater and moved to his shower.  
He standed as the hot water run through his back.  
He thought about Maki.  
Why didn’t she send him a message telling him she would be there?  
That’s a silly thought…  
Why did she cut him so abruptly when Himiko asked about his well being??  
That is even sillier. Maki cared about him, he probably thought Himiko was being invasive, that is all.He liked Maki, she was always so direct.  
He remembered their relationship. He sighed.  
He remembered about the nights they spent together, he remembered how he felt weird everytime they kissed. About how he did his best to make her open up to everyone and feel better about her own feelings. He hoped she was ok now.  
Why didn’t she reach out…  
He shook his head and turned off the shower.

After putting on pajamas he laid on the couch. He felt so tired. He tried to pay attention on what was going on in the TV. Something about the weather.  
He checked his phone.  
1 new message from Himiko sparkle emoji

19:23 Hiii, just checking up on you!

Kaito stared at the message, she was typing.  
She then sent a picture of her holding a fat grey cat.  
Kaito smiled at the picture and yawned. He exchanged some more silly messages with Himiko about her cats and accidentally fell asleep.

The first thing Kaito noticed was the smell. He felt dizzy and held himself on the metal.  
He coughed and coughed and coughed. Looked at his hand covered in crimson, the taste of blood filling his mouth. He tried to recover his shaky breath. He looked around. Around the hangar. He saw it, the press, the blood all over the floor. He wanted to run, to escape, but his legs felt numb, weak, incapable to move. He coughed some more and he felt the floor sink in.  
“Wake up!” He heart that voice echo loudly in his ears as he abruptly opened up his eyes.

He was panicking, he couldn't breath his mouth tasted like blood. He was tired he couldn't move, and yet he made himself rise up from the sofa, wobbling his way to the kitchen.  
He just had one thing in mind, he wouldn't put up with that anymore, he was tired, his friends hated him, he failed everyone including himself. He felt desperate.  
He looked for a knife, any would do.  
He looked at the blade, reflecting his eyes.  
He looked tired. He was tired. He had no one. His friends abandoned him, that is what happened, because he failed them, even Maki. Maki loved him, and he didn’t reciprocate.  
He lifted his shirt and made a cut on his arm.  
He was so stupid, he thought, that wouldn’t bleed enough.  
He made another cut and another and another. But none deep enough.  
Why couldn’t he just do it!!  
He moved the knife to his neck.  
His arms trembling.  
He felt the phone vibrate in his pocket.  
The world stopped.  
With shaky hands he reached for the phone

1 New message Himiko sparkle emoji

He stared at the screen.  
What himiko said flashed through his mind.  
“Hey, if you need anything, i’m here for you, ‘kay?”

He took a deep breath and put down the bloody knife.  
Without realizing he slipped down to floor.

20:14 Himiko sparkle emoji: Look my MR Truffle caught a rat!! Gross!!!  
20:14 Me: HJimiko  
20:14 Himiko sparkle emoji: Are you ok???

Kaito took a deep breath, not believing what he was about to do.

20:14 Me: I jjust tried to jkill myself.

Himiko started typing, but then the phone started to vibrate. She was calling him.

Kaito picked it up with shaky hands.  
“Kaito?? Oh my god are you ok?? I mean of course not but but!! Nevermind!! I’m coming over!!”

She did not hang up, but Kaito remained silent.  
He didn't know what to say. He felt sad, ashmed, he felt like how could die right there and right now, but he did not dare the grab the knife again.  
After a while that felt like forever for him, alone with his thoughts, he heard a door knock many times in a row.  
“Kaito im here open up!!” Himiko said in the phone.

Kaito got up and opened the door. He noticed his bleeding arm, wishing he had done something about it instead of just moping in the ground like a loser.

Himiko entered the room rapidly and then, to his surprise, just hugged Kaito.  
“When you said that I was so worried! Why! Why did you do that!”

Kaito just stood in front of her silently. He did not know what to do, what to say.  
He put his arm in the back of his head.  
“Your arm! Where can i find a first aid kit we need to clean these wounds…”  
Kaito just pointed to the bathroom and muttered something about it being there.  
Himiko literally run to the bathroom.  
She was really worried about him, he thought. He felt terrible, how could him have done that to her. Himiko never did anything like that to him… She would never! He just kept on failing and failing and failing-

“Here, extend your arm..” Himiko asked.  
Kaito did as he was asked and she started to clean and put bandages around the cuts.

“Kaito, what is going on? I noticed you today on the coffee shop and now you-”  
“Hahah, what? I’m great i’m sorry i made you worry like this! This was just, it was just…”

“Kaito…” Himiko finished patching up his arm, and looked directly at him. “ What i said was true, you can count on me. I know Maki and Shuichi are, well you know, they are your friends and i just should not be meddling but…”

“Look, I’m great now, i’m… i’m sorry you can go back to your house now its ok.”

“Nyeh? No!! I’m staying i’m not leaving you alone like this. It’s ok if you don’t want to talk about it but just…”

“I just had a bad dream, that was all. like i said, it’s ok”.  
“Oh, a bad dream… Did you know i have nightmares too?”  
“Huh?”  
“Yeah, i dream about our friends corpses and executions all the time, it makes me feel terrible, i understand.”  
Kaito stared at himiko, she looked sad, but still, she smiled at him.  
Kaito felt courage inside him.  
“I think about one of them in particular a lot…”  
“Me too”  
The answer got Kaito off guard.  
“I think about Tenko, and how i treated her, and it haunts me, I think about what could've been, you know?”  
“I know…”  
“It hurts and I don’t think it’ll ever stop hurting, but we are alive and i am here with you, ok?  
Kaito felt Himiko’s hand over his.  
He nodded.  
“I’m glad i can count on you, Himiko.


	4. Don't feel so lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaito receives a bit of comfort from who he needed the most.

Himiko stayed on his house for a long time, he didn’t even know how long. But when he looked at the clock it was already 2AM. Luckily she lived in the same street as him.  
Kaito was all alone now. But he felt like he wasn’t.  
He was glad Himiko actually went to check up on him.  
2:20AM Himiko sparkle emoji: I’m glad you are alive, try getting some sleep! Goodnight! 

Kaito locked the phone and tried to do as she said.  
But, he was troubled.  
He pulled the covers up to his neck and stared at the ceiling.  
He kept thinking about his conversation with Himiko.

He thought about how Himiko said she felt about Tenko, about she actually loved her.  
Kaito ran his palms through his face.  
He thought about Kokichi Ouma. About how, at that night, he realized he loved him. He didn’t tell Himiko, of course, everyone had very strong feelings towards Kokichi, it just wouldn’t be a good idea, but within him he knew. And what use was it? To love someone who was dead?  
He did not stop there though. It made sense, actually. It was probably why he couldn't stay true to his feelings and keep dating Maki, maybe it played a part on why he felt so bad for murdering him.

He felt his eyes getting heavy.  
He thought about the last night he had with him.  
He thought about how they fought, about Kokichis plan, about all the misunderstandings. He thought about… The talk they had, about how Kokichi opened up to him, even if very slightly, the thought about how they kissed and felt each others skin.  
He fell asleep.

Kaito was sitting down in a field. He had his hands on his face. Realizing what he was doing he lifted them and almost fell backwards.  
Kokichi was sitting in front of him.  
“Hah Kaito! Don’t act like you just saw a ghost! It’s just me.” The smaller boy said, with a laughter.  
“What?”  
Kaito felt disoriented, but he loved to hear his laughter.  
“You have been having a rough time lately, i thought of coming somewhere nicer with you!”  
Kokichi extended a pale hand at him.  
Kaito examined the boy better. He was wearing his all white outfit minus the scarf.  
“Or if you just wanna sit around that's okay too!” Kokichi said to the silent Kaito, who decided to come to his senses and grab Kokichi’s hand.  
Kokichi grabbed his larger tanned hand and pulled him along  
“Come oooon! Aren’t you happy to see meee?” Kokichi saying, dragging out with his childish voice.  
Kaito let go of Kokichi’s hand abruptly and just… Hug him.  
Kokichi accepted the embrace and put his arms around Kaito.  
Kokichi smiled.  
“I’m glad i’m with you, and that you are ok, but how did we get here? What-”  
“Shhh, don’t think too hard about it, or you'll ruin it, ‘kay?” Kokichi said softly, interrupting Kaito’s ramble.  
He then pulled Kaito along as they walked through the field.  
It was a really beautiful place, flowers you go on until the horizon and the weather felt like a pleasing summer day.  
They walked a bit in silence. He didn't know what to say, he just glanced over to Kokichi from time to time as he hummed and walked along with him.  
Suddenly Kokichi stopped abruptly.  
“Here! Let’s sit down for a bit!”  
He sounded so enthusiastic as always.  
Kaito sat down just like Kokichi asked.  
He then picked one flower and places it on Kaito’s ear.  
“I want you to watch the sunset with me, then you can go.” Kokichi said, placing his hands on his chin.  
Kaito nodded. He felt like wanted to say everything to Kokichi, about how he loved him, about how he just wanted to be with him forever, but he felt it all stuck in his throat, and sat down weirdly quiet, staring at Kokichi, who started to play with his locks. Kokichi noticed Kaito staring at him and smiled back to him.  
The light in the field started to get dim as the bright sun started to set.  
“You don’t have to feel so sad, okay? I’m here with you, always.”  
Kaito prepared to answer, but he was caught by surprise by Kokichi’s motion. The smaller boy leaned in and kissed his forehead, and added.  
“Always”.

Kaito woke up.


	5. Compliance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaito finds honesty within him, and others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note! I added a cover art, so check that out!!

He woke up. Feeling troubled. The sun set in his dream, but apparently it was just rising in real life. His dreams were getting weirder every time.But, something inside him felt warm. He started to write down the dream on his phone notes. He wouldn’t dare to forget this one.  
After he finished he sat on the bed for a moment, knees on his chin, and covers on his back. He hugged his legs, trying to mimic what he felt in his dream. He did not know what the fuck was up but that was real. It must’ve been, even though Kokichi Ouma was dead for certain.  
He needed to talk about that with Himiko! Oh wait, it was early in the morning, she NEVER woke up so early. It would be better if he didn’t bug her about it until noon, so he waited.

“That’s interesting…” Himiko said, yawning, even though it was 2PM.  
“Are you really that interested…?” Kaito asked.  
“Nyeh? I am!! She suddenly jolted upwards, stretching. “You see,i have had similar things happen with me too.  
“You have?”  
Himiko nodded.  
“Yes, once i had this dream with Tenko, i felt terrible and told her everything i felt, i felt much better afterwards. It just happened once though…”  
Kaito rested his face on his hand, sighing.  
“I didn’t exactly say what i felt to him… I wonder if that’s some sort of, i don’t know mistake on my part.”  
“Hmmmm….. Well, i am going to be honest, i don't think there is a formula to this.  
“What do you mean…?”  
“Like, it’s like life is,there isn’t a formula of right or wrong there’s just life. It’s probably the same to them, is what i mean. Don’t beat yourself up about it.  
“I see…”  
“Yeah! Also, if you have something else to say, i bet he will just show up again eventually!”  
Kaito noticed Himiko picked up on the “him” he mentioned, but she didn’t dare to ask who it was, Kaito was relieved.  
“Hey do you… Think Shuichi and Maki have dreams like this too..?”  
Himiko shrugged.  
“No idea, but you could always ask them.”  
“Hmm” Kaito hummed to himself, looking at his phone on the table.  
He decided to pick up his phone while Himiko answered a message on her device.  
He scrolled through the contacts. He stopped on shuichi’s icon.  
He swallowed dry.

14:36 Me: Heeey sidekick! So, I was wondering

He stopped typing. How was he supposed to ask him about this without sounding weird?  
He decided to bite the bullet.  
14:36 Me: Heeey sidekick! So, I was wondering… I know i can trust you and that you are my best friend, so i wanted to tell you, i have been having these strange dreams with someone who is no longer with us and i wanted to know if? You had them too?

He pressed send and sunk into the chair. Luckily Himiko was too preoccupied with her own phone to notice.  
His phone got a notification.  
Kaito felt his heart skip a beat.  
1 New notification from Sidekick!  
14:40 Sidekick!: Oh hi Kaito.  
14:41 Sidekick!: I think I know what you mean, but i don’t want to talk about it through message, do you mind if we meet up? You can come over.  
Kaito breath in hard.  
He didn’t visit Shuichi in so long. Or maki. Oh god Maki would be there. Why did he worry so much. Oh yeah he broke her heart. Kaito started to feel the world crumble around him.  
“Are you alright?” Himiko asked, concerned.  
“Uh…” Remember, Kaito said to himself, remember what she said.  
“Well… Actually Shuichi asked me to go over and i’m just…-”  
“Panicking about it? It’s ok, i’m sure it’ll be ok, they are your friends.”  
Kaito breath in slowly and started to calm down. Yes, there was no problem there, it was all going to be alright.

Kaito arrived at Shuichi’s and Maki’s apartment, Shuichi was sitting on the living room table, with Maki on his side. Shuichi stopped his word search and looked up at Kaito. Back when they had just survived the Killing Game, they used to hang out all the time there, so much that Kaito still had a key for their apartment. Actually, he sighed, as he thought about when he used to live there as well. They were so close…  
“So, you wanted to talk about weird dreams right?” shuichi said, putting down his game magazine.  
“Oh, yeah…” Kaito said, interrupting his train of thought.  
He sat down on the sofa on the corner, not too close of anyone.  
“So, hm…” He stuttered.  
Maki simply got up and left.  
Kaito felt disconcerted. Shuichi sipped on his coffee. The clock ticked.  
Kaito started to get nervous.  
“Are you ok?” Shuichi said,staring at Kaito.  
He looked at Shuichi. He felt something odd. Something building up. Shuichi looked so calm. So well. He looked at Shuichi’s hands. They were clean, no cuts. He looked at his face, he looked rested.  
Kaito felt like he’d explode, what he was feeling was indiscritible, was it sadness? was it rage? He didn’t know.  
“I have been feeling like shit lately! And where were you! I did nothing but support you so far!Why… why can’t you do the same for me…” Kaito felt the strength leave his body. He sat again. His eyes were teary.  
Maki came back and her and Shuichi stared at him silently, dumbfounded.  
“Im, i’m sorry…” Kaito said, with a trembling voice. He then got up and left their house as quickly as he could. He could not believe what he has just done. He walked as fast as he could, he walked, he ran. He stopped by the sidewalk, breathless. He heard a voice.  
“Wait!”  
He turned around and saw Maki.  
She put her hands on her knees, catching her breath again.  
“Kaito i don’t know what’s going on with you but i’m sorry! I should have been there for you!”  
Kaito was breathing in hard. Trying to catch his breath again, for some reason doing that felt so hard. He felt dizzy. Then he coughed, and coughed again, and it turned into a coughing fit.  
Kaito leaned on a wall he was glad it existed, since he was very unaware of his surroundings due to his dizziness.  
He raised his head to glance at Maki. His lips tinted with blood  
She looked so distraught. Tears started to form in her eyes.  
At that moment, both of them felt very similar things, you could say it was a collective experience,one of only people with shared trauma could experience.  
For Kaito, he felt the world crumbling on his feet, he felt like he was in the trial all over again, he felt as if the killing game was real all over again. He tugged his chest.  
For maki, she felt despair, she felt something she hadn’t felt in ages: the fear of losing someone all over again. And at that moment, she also felt blame, she felt like she didn’t pay enough attention to Kaito when she could, and now it was all repeating. 

“I need to go..” Kaito said, wobbling.  
“No! I need to take you to a hospital…”  
Kaito leaned at the wall again.  
“Fine…” he said, letting Maki help him stand up.

Kaito was laying on the hospital bed. He hated the taste of the intravenous medication they were giving him.  
Maki was sitting on the sofa by the side of his bed. It was a fancy room. He was glad the fame the killing games gave him publicity and money. Glad… glad is not the word, the word he is looking for is relief.  
The doctors had said he was experiencing some sort of failure in his lungs again. Since the sickness he had was man made and not a regular human disease was what made it so hard to decipher. There would be no way to know how to fully prevent it , there was no vaccine or known procediment. The first time they found a way to “cure” him was all a wild guess, since the people that created the disease were nowhere to be found anymore. Team Danganronpa crumbled, some were rumoured to commit suicide. But it was hard to trace their actual locations.  
Kaito closed his eyes and sighed.  
He felt a hand on his.  
He opened his eyes and glared at Maki.  
She looked down to his hand, that she was caressing.  
“Look… I’m sorry” She said, softly.  
“No, i’m the one sorry, look, Maki Roll, i feel like i haven’t treated you right in the past…”  
“What? No, I was the one who didn’t. You were right back there, since… Since the killing game you did nothing but support me and Shuichi, and… we were assholes to you, that is all.”  
“But i broke your heart!” Kaito responded, not fully understanding Maki’s reaction.  
“Huh? Oh…” She stopped for a minute, as if finding words, still staring at Kaito’s hand.  
“You didn’t break my heart, I’m though” She said, determined.  
Kaito sighed.  
“I feel like i fucked up bad back there, we could have been a happy couple, living a happy perfect life…-”  
“ No.” She lifted her head and locked her eyes on Kaito’s  
“Life is not perfect. It will never be. I believed that once, that me on the orphanage that not even exists, she believed that life could be perfect someday, and she is not even real. Do you get what i mean?”  
Kaito remained in silence. Maki sighed  
“Our lives are already not perfect, everything we went through, what we are going through now, it’s proof. If life was perfect, no one would have been alive to toy with our existence like that, to sacrifice so many…” She stopped herself, looking away from Kaito.  
“I understand” he said, closing his hand on Maki’s.  
“I never was mad at you about it. Not deep down, i just, didn’t fully understand why you didn’t want me and i sort of… drifted away.”  
“I see”  
“I always could tell you were never really there when i was with you, i don’t blame you, i just wonder… Who do you truly love?” Maki looked back at Kaito.  
“I…” He closed his eyes and sighed. “Someone that is already gone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! So, i have been updating this basically everyday, however, i want to give it a little bit of space now, and think better about what comes next so the writting is ON POINT, you get me? So if i take more time to update it that's it! But don't worry! I'm definitely not abandoning this one! (I already have the ending planned, even, and extra stuff!)


	6. Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaito finds comfort whitin his own discomfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've added a better explanation about the AU content in the begginning of ch 1! Go check that out!

The clock was ticking, it had been hours since they both were silent since their previous conversation. Until she broke the silence.  
“What is up with this” she asked, placing her fingers lightly on Kaitos bandaged arm, which caused him to flinch.  
“Uh, nothing” he said, averting his gaze.  
“Hmm” Maki hummed.  
She then placed a finger on some of the exposed cuts in the upper part of Kaito’s hand.  
Kaito sighed.  
“I did something really bad is all.”  
“Did you try to kill yourself?”She said, with no ceremony.  
Kaito froze.  
“Well, hm…”  
Maki then put her hand, silently, on his shoulder, as if to calm him down. The proceeded to lift her sleeve. She exposed her pale skin, revealing a series of scars.  
“You have seen these…” she said, in serious manner “ But i have lied to you.”  
Kaito looked at her confused, she proceeded.  
“Remember how i said that these were scars of the past, scars of me, in that imaginary world where i was an assassin?” Kaito nodded.  
“Well…” she sighed, turning her forearm, revealing a series of straight cuts against her lower forearm and wrist ” I did that too. Try, you know?” She said, smiling to herself, looking down.  
“I thought it would be a solution, i don’t know, my memories, even though fake, are so harsh. The things i said, about my made up childhood, they're real to me, just like yours are to you, but then… then we get told none of it is real, but somehow it remains.” She gripped on Kaito’s hand.  
“I know how you feel. That is all.” she completed, then rested her head against Kaitos shoulder.  
Kaito instinctively moved his hand to her head.  
“I’m sorry…” he said.  
“It’s fine.”  
“Hm… you know…”  
“Hm?”  
“I can’t believe i did not know that about you, when we like, you know, dated and all.”  
“It’s ok.” she responded.  
“Is it though.”  
Maki hummed.  
“I think it is. You see, I don’t think we were ready for a relationship, you mainly… But… yeah.”  
Kaito felt awkward. He retreated his hand from Makis head.  
She leaned back, and stared Kaito in the eyes. Then moved her hand to his chin, leaned in and kissed his cheek.  
“It is ok.”  
“Maki I-”  
“I’m going to get some food, i’ll be back in a minute.” Although she said that, she still rested her hand on Kaito’s, looking at him. She had a far away sort of gaze. She was looking a Kaito but not quite there. She looked tired.

“Oh my god Kaito! I tried to come as fast as possible right when i could but i had an-”  
Himiko stopped in the door that she had just opened.  
“It’s a hospital. Don’t be loud.” Maki said, without turning to look to Himiko.

“Oh… I’m sorry I…” Himiko said, disconcerted.  
Maki looked down to Kaito’s hand, then turned around and left.

“Sorry…” Himiko said, whispering.  
“Oh you don’t, have to be actually so quiet here.” Kaito responded.  
“ No I meant, i feel like i interrupted something important…”  
“Oh… Yeah that… Don’t worry about it.” Kaito said, putting his hand behind his head.  
Himiko then proceeded to pull a chair close to Kaito’s bed, making a loud high pitched noise of metal scraping on the floor.  
“Himiko i don't think you’re allowed to-”  
“Shhh, it’ll be our secret, i did a magic spell on this room before entering so no one will hear it...” The comment caused Kaito to snicker.  
She then sat down and sighed.  
“I’m glad you appreciate my jokes. You know, I still think it’s important for us to have bits of who we were in our lives now, since we have the memories and all.” She then placed her hand on Kaitos arm.  
“I’m still really glad you are alive.”

Kaito felt like he was going to break down. He just.  
He was just processing the whole conversation with Maki, and then, Himiko was there, the person who was present or him when he most needed, and then, the cherry at the top, he was dying. No other way around it. He just acted with his emotions. He felt tears on the corner of his eyes. He leaned in and hugged Himiko as hard as he could. And then, just like that, he started to cry.

“H-hey…” Himiko said, unsure of how to act. She then started to give small pats on Kaitos back.  
“It’s ok big guy, shhhh…”  
Kaito let go of the hug. Letting tears stream down his face while he sobbed.  
“It’s ok… Really, i’m here, shhh…” Himiko said, wiping Kaito’s tears.  
God, he was ugly sobbing, he thought to himself. But he didn’t care. He just let himself go.  
That went on for a while. He would sob, stop, Himiko would comfort him, and he’d start again. He was so glad Himiko was there with him.  
“I’m so glad you’re here…” Kaito said, sniffing.  
“Do you wanna talk?” Himiko said, softly, holding his hand.  
Kaito nodded, still snifling.  
Himiko sat down in her chair, then pretended to be holding something flat in her hands.  
“What are you doing…?” Kaito asked, intrigued.  
Himiko smiled.  
“The Kaito Momota therapy is now in session! These, are my pen and paper for my notes!”  
Kaito couldn't help but giggle.  
He then leaned back on his bed frame.  
“I… hm…”  
“Hm…?”  
Kaito breath in. Then out. And started to pour his feelings out.  
“I don’t know, I feel like, feel like nothing after the killing game was real, it doesn’t FEEL real. It’s been so horrible, how can it be real? I mean, what am i supposed to do? Do i try to forget everything? Do I, keep being me? It’s so confusing…”  
“It’s like some sort of reality shock, i think? To me it feels like, I don’t know…” She rested her elbow on her knees and placed her chin on her hand.  
“I’ve thought a lot of life lately, about who I really am, stuff like that. I’ve tried to make my life up from zero but then i realized that is impossible! I can have how many cats I want but the old Himiko will not be gone. i think what is best to be done is to just, go on. It will be hard, it’ll hurt, It’ll leave scars, invisible or not…-”  
“Permanent or not. They are with us forever. But you gotta push through it Kaito. Not only for everyone who died, but for yourself.” Maki said, interrupting Himiko, entering the bedroom with a tray of food.  
“Maki god, you scared me, but! Great addendo! Do you mind joining us in the Kaito therapy session? Oh! We could turn this into a group therapy session!”  
Maki stood in the door, serious. Then smiled softly and said.  
“Sure, why not, i feel like we deserve it.” said Maki Maki sitting down on the sofa with her legs crossed.  
“Hmmm ok, what is our next topic gonna be?” himiko said, putting her index at her chin, looking up.  
“What if we talked about… losses.” Maki said, in a calm tone.  
“Hmm…” Kaito hummed. When Maki mentioned that, only one thing came to his mind, but he did not dare to talk about it.  
“I feel so weird that we met all these people there and we lost all of them.” Maki said.  
“Yeah… I miss them. I miss Angie, and Kaede, and… Tenko…” Himiko said, sighing.” Tsumugi said we were not real but, that was a huge lie, they were all real, and still are, in my heart.”  
Kaito remained silent.  
“I lost part of my life there, so since then i feel like i have been trying to reconstruct myself. It’s been… hard.  
“Hey, Maki i think you need a change of scenery!”  
“Huh?”  
“Yeah, like, i felt so lonely and weird when we started our new lives, and even though i like to keep parts of who they made me be with me i attempted new things! I adopted a bunch of cats, i tried to teach them tricks, i tried new hobbies… Maybe you need to change a bit, you know?”  
Maki hummed in response, then bit the tip of the nail of her thumb  
“Maybe”  
“I could help you with that if you wanted.”  
“Oh, thank you, yes i would like that.”  
“Kaito you have been so quiet... “ Himiko said, reaching Kaito's arm.  
“Oh, hm, yeah losses… Well I...hmmm”  
“Just say it already.” Said Maki, serious.  
Kaito knew she didn’t mean to be rude, she just wanted to encourage him, at best.  
He took a deep breath.  
“I feel like… I’ve lost things in so many ways. I’ve lost people i barely knew and… I lost people that I ended up knowing really well. I lost my health, i lost opportunities… I feel like i lost hope too.”  
“Hope…” Maki repeated, quietly.  
“Yeah they used to make a huge deal of hope in that TV show right. And i hated to be reminded of it but now that is how i feel. Maki you said i should live not only for others but for myself but, I don’t feel like i'm getting anywhere with my life anymore, is all.”  
“Of course you are! Kaito you never know what tomorrow brings! But here, i’ll teach you a new hobby tomorrow! I’ll bring my deck of cards and we’ll learn magic spells!!” Himiko said, enthusiastically, lifting her arms up in the air.  
Kaito smiled.  
“Thanks Himiko…”

They then changed their therapy session to a more happy tone, as Himiko carried out a conversation about cats and magic tricks. It got late and, even though Kaito didn't want want them to bother, they decided to sleep in the room with him.  
Kaito laid pretty early, however, he didn’t sleep until pretty late. The last thing he saw was Himiko and Maki sharing the sofa, with Himiko asleep on Maki’s shoulder, with caused him to smile, and then, he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my version of Maki, she has several scars that were part of her “characterization” pregame, of her assassin times. Also, this takes place a long time after V3 ended, like, a little bit more than two years. Kaito and maki dated for, roughly, several months. That was all I wanted to add.


	7. Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He woke up coughing. It was dark. Someone must have turned off the light for them. Maki and Himiko were snoring softly.  
> Kaito felt terrified.  
> He felt his body tremble.   
> He took a deep breath.  
> Whatever the hell that was, he needed to calm down.  
> \------
> 
> (I AM BACK)

Kaito closed his eyes, feeling the himself sink into the bed. Deeper and deeper.  
Kaito found himself on a hard concrete floor.   
The place had a dim light, as if the lamp above was giving out.  
A figure danced with a mannequin. The figure was hard to distinguish, but Kaito could see they had really long hair. They hummed a seamless melody to themselves as they made circles around.  
"H-hey" Kaito said. His voice felt faint, as if his energy was being drained.  
The figure stopped dancing and put the mannequin down, then turned to face Kaito.  
"Ahh, it is always nice to see my creations again."  
Kaito froze.   
Tsumugi walked towards Kaito. He felt defenseless on the floor.  
She then came very close to him and held his face in her hands. Her long fake red nails pinching his cheeks.  
"Aren't you the most formidable thing? Trying to escape from who i made you. I know who you are, your weakness. I created you."  
Kaito felt his chest tighten. He then tried to let go of Tsumugi's grip but he felt so weak.  
He woke up coughing. It was dark. Someone must have turned off the light for them. Maki and Himiko were snoring softly.  
Kaito felt terrified.  
He felt his body tremble.   
He took a deep breath.  
Whatever the hell that was, he needed to calm down.  
He laid down on his side covering his head with the blankets and squeezing his eyes shut.  
He just needed to think about happy things.  
He thought about… About how Himiko and Maki were there with him, about how Himiko had helped him. He thought about… He fell asleep.

He found himself in a familiar place. His hands and shirt were covered in blood. He found himself standing in the front of the press. He didn’t question how he got there, he just started experiencing his thoughts at the time all over again.  
He thought about how, despite the sound of bones being crushed, Kokichi made no sound in his death. He thought about how silent everything was, how he was left alone. How his voice didn’t echo in his head anymore as he explained the plan.  
The silence was broken with a sob, then a cough.   
Kaito choked on his tears and blood.

He woke up.  
He felt breathless.  
He needed a break.  
He faces silence yet again.  
He decided to get up, the clock said 6AM.  
He holds onto the IV and goes to the bathroom.  
He looks at the mirror and takes a glance on himself. His hair was a mess. He hadn't showered since he got to the hospital, his hair was half gelled, completely messed, he looked tired and dark circles marked his eyes slightly.  
He sighed.  
He decided he needed a shower.  
He maneuvered the best he could with the IV holder and tried his best, as he would say.  
For a long time he standed under the hot water, pondering about his life.  
“What's wrong with me…” he murmured to himself.  
He was really tired. He didn’t understand what those dreams were. Mainly the Tsumugi one. What could she ever possibly want with him?  
He left the shower and clothed himself.  
When he went back to the room he found someone waiting for him.  
“Shuichi?”  
“Oh… Hi Kaito... sorry for the early visit. I wanted to come in the first visiting time… I… I’m sorry.”  
“Oh it’s ok, really.”  
“Hm…”  
Maki opened her eyes, still kinda slow from sleep.  
She noticed Himiko leaned on her, embracing Maki. Maki slowly removedHimiko's arms from her torso.  
“Shuichi.” Maki said, glancing at the blue haired boy with certain… fury in her eyes? Kaito could not understand. But what Maki meant with that look was basically, “I called you yesterday about it and you just show up now?”.  
“Ah i…” Shuichi stuttered, penetrated by Maki’s glare.  
Maki sighed and said.  
“I need to walk for a bit. I will be back soon.” Then she left, abruptly, leaving Himiko sleeping oin the sofa.  
Shuichi sat on the chair besides Kaito’s bed, fidgeting with his hands.  
“So… I.. I was really worried Ii just kind of, panicked too much and couldn’t act much at all. Mainly after your…”  
“It’s fine.   
“Is it really because…”  
Kaito averted Shuichis gaze.  
Kaito felt a lot of things towards Shuichi at that moment.  
A bit of anger because he was selfish, sadness because they were so far apart, and confusion to why he was acting like that. But, at least, he thought, he went to visit him.  
Both of them didn’t face each other though, leaving the silence course through the room, the same unnerving silence Kaito experienced in his dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FOOTNOTE:  
> The title is a reference to the word SILENCE on the press drawing on closing argument of ch5 and was the main inspiration for this chapter actually!


End file.
